Monday, January 24, 2011

strange question

Have you ever had the feeling that someone was going to die?   Like your husband?

I've had that feeling since August.  At first I would think about the funeral and talking to my kids teachers.  I was so very worried. 

When Brian travels he always lets me know when his flight is taking off, when he  lands, and when he arrives at his hotel.  We talk every night sometimes during the day.    During the Fall I was always watching the clock when he traveled waiting to hear from him.  By mid November I didn't think about it much.

Today it has been all consuming, almost debilitating.  As soon as I started  to stir at 5:20 this morning this has been in my thoughts, if not my only thought.  I've  thought about how I would tell his mom.  How I would tell each of our kids separately.   What exactly he would be wearing for the funeral.  (Isn't this morbid?)

Our Neighborhood Patrol Officer is a friend of ours, I pictured him coming to my door to tell me there had been an accident.  By 8:30 I was finally able to get control of my emotions, which was a good thing.  I had a number of things going on this morning that I needed to be in control.    

I've called Brian a couple of times this morning to tell him to be safe...and that I love him.  I'm sure he thinks I'm losing my mind. 

He called at noon to check in with his insane wife.  

Have you ever thought about this?  Am I losing my mind?


nikko said...

During my last pregnancy, D had several dreams that made him wonder if maybe God was preparing him for my death. He was quite concerned for several weeks, until he shared his thoughts/fears with the bishop, who in turn gave him a blessing and the feelings and thoughts and fears went away. He told me all this after the fact, thank goodness!

Just a thought, but maybe a blessing of comfort would help. (((hugs)))

Jay said...

I don't think you're crazy. How very not fun to have had these feelings for so long! I do the "what ifs" sometimes, trying to prepare myself if a tragedy were to happen.

I had an awful dream last night about one of my children being hurt by some awful people. I woke up praying for my children and had to get up to read and get my mind off it. I don't have dreams like this normally, so it's been in my thoughts today.

Sometimes our thoughts and guts can give us the scares, but I have to remember that through any hardship, Jesus Christ is there. Prayer works to turn my scares into faith too.

I hope your mind and heart will be at peace soon. It isn't fun to have these scares. Thinking of you!

Lana said...

I have not, but Rob has. I don't know what that means exactly but I am sure a blessing would be helpful.

marcia@joyismygoal said...

oh Sweetie when we loose someone we love,(like your mom) we often have unexplainable waves of sadness, fear, odd dreams and unexplainable/inappropriate emotions for a undetermined period... We often project our feelings on those we love most that are still w/ us.. this very well could be what your experiencing.... our brains are so powerful --you were shaken by your Mom's death and maybe your subconscious wants to make sure that feeling does not happen again so it is running through scenarios.. I agree a blessing is a good idea

I have a good life said...

Crazy. I am sure that all the others are correct. I have never felt someone else is near death, but I have felt for years that I will die prematurely. I worry about having my kids be okay without me. I worry about making sure everything is in order before I pass. It comes and goes, point are NOT losing your mind. I am glad that Brian is safe. Call me if you are ever worried again. Talking through it might help. :)